Reflections

Reflections 21
Spring 2010

Mia would have been twelve years old this year.  How tall and beautiful she would be!  I can almost picture her in my mind and yet, I can’t.  She will have been gone for three years.  How can that be?  I know I have to stop torturing myself and just stop counting.  One minute without her is too much.

Andrew is such a wonderful boy and so happy, but our family is broken.  He lost his constant playmate and companion.  When we go out as a family, he has no one with whom to run or share the kid stuff.  The world constantly reminds us that our family should be four.  There are four burgers to a pack, vacation packages for two adults and two children, a table for four at a restaurant. I almost want to stop them when they whisk away the fourth place setting. We love to go to Disney but we are without our princess.  I don’t have my little “mini me.”

Someone once told me that it is like hitting a brick wall.  Imagine riding along on a smooth, straight road.  It is a beautiful, sunny day and you can clearly see all your hopes and dreams ahead of you on the horizon.  Suddenly, without warning, a brick wall appears right in front of you.  There is no time to stop or swerve.  You crash. 

After a while you can put your broken pieces back together again.  But a very important piece is gone.  You can still travel, but without this vital part, your trip is no longer smooth and easy.  We can never travel as we did before.  We can never see those same hopes and dreams through the smoke and dust of the crash.  We can never go down that same road again because the wall is there. 

We must find a different road.  The wall has forced us down a road that we never intended to go.  This new road is bumpier and more difficult to navigate.  But we have to go forward, there is no turning back.  We have to find new hopes and dreams and set a different destination. 

We will always be broken.  I have figured out that the pain never goes away or even lessens.  We just must become strong enough to live with it.

We used to end our nighttime prayers with “…and thank you for a wonderful day.”  That has changed.  We still try to find something to be thankful for every day.  We have good days and some are even great.  But no day will ever be wonderful again without our Mia.

 

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Reflections 20
Holiday 2008

Have we really lived a year without our beautiful sweet Mia girl?  It seems like forever and it seems like yesterday.  Some people say that after the first year things get better.  We just have to make it through all the “firsts” without her:  first birthday, first day of school, first Christmas.  But it is not just the first birthday, first day of school, the first Christmas without her.  It is every birthday, every first day of school, every Christmas.  Every day.

It is every birthday.  How old will she be and how beautiful will she become each year?  What would we buy for her that she will just love?  What kind of party would she have? 

It is every first day of school.  What grade would she be in now?  What would she be doing with all her wonderful friends?  What projects and papers would she be proudly bringing home to show us?

It is every Christmas.  What would Santa bring this year?  How would her wonderful face sparkle when she came down the stairs Christmas morning?  What fun would she have singing Christmas songs and making Christmas cookies with Andrew?

It is not just the first days, it is every day.

It is every day that the kids get on the bus each morning and she isn’t there.  Every day when I stop at school and see her wonderful mural and think how many people she touched.  Every day when I can’t stop in her classroom to say hello like I do for Andrew.

It is every day that Andrew reaches milestones that Mia reached, and brings home the same art projects or same books.  It will be every day that he surpasses her milestones and does things that she will never get a chance to do. 

It is every day when we look at pictures of her when she was so little and we think that this isn’t supposed to happen to our babies.

It is every day when I pass the girls’ department of the store and see all the cute things that she will never get to wear.  Then I have to turn away and can’t look at all, every day

It is every day when we see how her sweet friends are growing and how lovely they look and we think how she should be with them.  She should be with us every day.

It is every day when I pass her picture in the hall and see her bright smile and sparkly eyes and shout out loud “WHY??!”

It is every day when Andrew has to grow up without his big sister.  It is every single day that we have to live without our Mia.

It is every day we wake up in the morning and her bed is empty.

It is every day that there are only three places at our table.

It is every day that we cannot hold her delicate hand and hug her and hear her say that she loves us.

It is every day we kiss her teddy goodnight instead of her soft cheek.  It will never ever ever be enough. 

Every day.

 

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Reflections 18
Holiday, 2007

I still can’t believe that our Mia is gone.  It seems like only yesterday that we still held her.  We will never look into those beautiful big brown eyes again.  We will never hold those soft little hands again.  We will never see that bright smile or hear that big belly laugh.  We will even miss the little things like her little mannerisms and little things she said and did.  The sadness is so deep that there are no words to describe it.  It is so much more that just missing her.  It is everything that she did, everything that she touched, everything that she made, everything that she was and everything that she could have been.

She is a part of everything around us, and she always will be and she never will be again.  We feel her in her coat hanging on the hook, in the words she has written to us, and in the teddy waiting for her on her pillow.  But we don’t yet feel her here with us.  She is just gone...  But I think someday we may feel a light touch on a cheek, or a feather of a hug, or hear a little giggle, or see a rainbow and know.

There have been so many “firsts” without her – first birthdays, first vacations, first Christmas.  And there will be many more.  There will be many “nevers” – she will never have her 10th birthday and I will never buy her any more cute girly clothes and or presents.  But there will be always.  She will always be nine years old.  She will always have made our family who we are.  We will always love her.  We will always miss her.  We will always believe in angels.  There will forever be an empty seat at our table and empty place in our broken hearts.  We must try to enjoy things without feeling guilty for enjoying.  We will never understand why or how this happened to such a wonderful little girl.  Why Andrew must grow up without his big sister, why we must live without our Mia.  This Christmas will be red and green…and blue.

 

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Reflections 17
June 7, 2007

There will be no more butterflies, hearts or rainbows.  There will be no more sunshine.

 

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Reflections 15
April 8, 2007

It has been over three years.  Our baby and our family have been going through this for more than three years.  It is unbelievable that Mia is still smiling and happy.  It is unbelievable that she still has energy to go to school and play with friends.  It is unbelievable that we seem to win the battles but we can’t seem to win the war.  We will keep fighting, though.

All that Mia has been through in the last couple of months is not considered to be curative.  It is to keep her feeling as well as possible for as long as possible.  The doctors are amazed that she has come so far.  Every doctor (there are a lot!) and every friend (a lot of those too!) is amazed how well she looks.  Everyone says, “Wow!  Mia looks great!”  And she does.  She amazes us too.  She keeps us going as well as herself.  I don’t know how she does it because I’m tired myself.  All my love and all my smiles are for my beautiful children to keep them happy.  I have nothing left for anyone else it seems, even for myself.

Mia though, has enough for all of us and more.  She is always willing to share herself and to give her smiles to everyone.  She had a special day at American Girl Place in Chicago from the Bear Necessities Pediatric Cancer Foundation.  She wanted to share it with her wonderful friend Julianna and Jules’ mom.  We had such a great day!  She also makes others want to share their time and their smiles with her.  We have made so many dear friends through all of this and it is all because of our girl.  She makes people want to be with her.  She is truly unbelievable. 

Our wondergirl even has enough to give to her brother (when he is not being too much of a little brother!)  She loves to help him with his homework.  They also play well together whether it is games or lately playing Easter egg hunt!  They do crafts and watch movies.  She is patient (most of the time) and shares her joy and excitement with him over special things, like a day at the aquarium, or over even the little things.  He has become such a great little boy not only because of who he is himself, but also because Mia is his big sister.

Amazing, unbelievable, incredible, wondrous, fantastic – our supergirl has remained so through all of this.  I can’t believe it.  She has happiness, grace, patience, smiles and so much love to give.  She is the one getting us through all this, not the other way around so much.  But we will give her all of ourselves, all that we have to get her and Andrew through this as well.  They are both so special and precious.  Truly blessings from God.

 

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Reflections 14
January 4, 2007

We are still waiting for a medical miracle.  We are still waiting for God’s miracle.    But the miracle of Christmas came through right on time.  Santa Claus always comes through.  Christmas in the eyes of a child is a wondrous joy that can put a smile on the saddest of hearts.

Andrew is old enough now to really get involved in the holiday spirit.  His enthusiasm is a mirror of that of his big sister Mia, who loves the holiday season.  He especially loved singing “Elise Namina” (“Feliz Navidad”)  along with the crazy card from Aunt Etta.  Mia loves playing Christmas music, having a fire in the fireplace and leaving cookies for Santa.  She said she has three favorite parts of Christmas: making cookies, decorating the tree, and presents of course.  Then as we were putting up the Nativity, she said that she actually has four favorite parts, the fourth being placing the figures of the Nativity in their places.  “I just love holding the little baby Jesus in my hands,” she says.  And he just loves holding you in his my brave girl.

The joy of preparing for Christmas, the wonder on little faces on Christmas morning, the miracle of the birth of a child…yes, I believe in Santa Claus.  “He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to our life its highest beauty and joy.  Alas!  How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus…There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance, to make tolerable this existence.  We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight.  The eternal light in which childhood fills the world would be extinguished...Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus.  The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see.  Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn?  Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there.  Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.”  I believe in Santa Claus.  I believe in miracles.  I have to.

 

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Reflections 13

November 12, 2006

What is love?

Many have tried to capture the essence of what love is in song and sonnet.  But love is not something that can be put into words.  Many have tried to describe love as a feeling inside you.  But it is not only inside us but also all around us.

We love our children, we love our spouses, we love our parents, we love our friends, and we love chocolate!  How can it all be love?

Love is patient and kind…
Love is in the air…
Love looks not with the eyes…
Love will keep us together…
Love stinks…
Love is all we need…
How do I love thee?

Love is looking into those big brown eyes.  Love is the feel of the small warm hand in yours.  Love is that little kiss good night.

I know what love is.  You know what love is when your heart breaks every day.